sometimes the only thing in the world i want to do is lay in a bay window facing out on a warm but rainy tuesday. i want to listen to sherree chamberlain and cat power and aphex twin and stare at the world and be inside instead of out; be alone. and sob. sometimes there is nothing i want to do more than just sob. in hopelessness or joy or exhaustion, frustration... i killed a bird today on my way to work. back to the subject. back to my dreamy rainy tuesday. sometimes all i really want to do is lie there. sometimes i dont need to be destined for anything more than that window. sometimes the only comforting voice i need is those raindrops on the window. sometimes the arms i want to wrap around me are mine alone. the loving heart that cares and loves and leaps and falls for me, i wish was mine alone. i want to listen to eerie, sad, nostalgic piano songs and i want to weep bitterly for no reason at all until i dry up or the world ends. under most circumstances, i dont like to cry. it hurts. being made to cry is often painful, if one cries out of sadness, or fear, or a host of other unpleasant sensations. the physical act of crying hurts me. my cheeks are tense, my throat gets sore, my head pounds. but if that were all i was destined for, i think i would be alright with that. i think i could not need anyone else. i'm crying even now, listening to aphex twin and just being... i dont know, moved, somehow. i cry a lot lately. i'm not sure that its quite healthy. my mother says i ought to see a doctor and maybe she's right. but again, back to my bay window. to just lie there and be peaceful. to watch the world happen and the rain fall and be moved by it. moved by the music. i could cry different tears, ones for every emotion, because i think this would evoke quite a few emotions. i'm very tired now. please, someone. what is wrong with me? | 
